what color was the memory?

I just found an old roll of film that I had shot back in 2018. For those who haven’t shot slide film, it’s quite finicky and needs to be carefully metered to achieve good exposure. Each time I load a roll of slide film I convince myself that this time I’ll nail it, but I never really do.

I wonder how memory and color play with one another, especially when using film photography as a tool of reflection. Slide film generally has cooler colors, and I think that changes my relationship to the memory. If I shoot a warmer film, like Kodak Gold or Portra, it seems to paint the past in a different color. Or Fuji, with a greener hue. It’s hard to objectively judge this idea because maybe the memory outweighs the photograph and the color is secondary. I remember reading that the etymology of photography comes from “painting with light.” Maybe the film is the brush, and the strokes do, in some subtle way, change reality’s past.

already loved

today

I woke up i forgot that i was already loved. 

I went to work and suffered with me- ness

I started every thought with “I”

I shopped for food and felt separate

when I got home I took a walk to the coast.

focusing my attention on the icy path

until I found my balance.

on the way home, I saw a shooting star.

In the middle of Anchorage at 5:23PM

How many others saw it too?

At home I rested

and then I cooked myself a loving meal,

fresh vegetables. 

I cleaned my kitchen.

and then sliced open a pomegranate. 

then I remembered, so I sat down to write this.