On this night, the final night of 2022, I was abducted by aliens on the 600 block of South Street, only doors down from Olympia II Pizza (assumed sequel to the very, very successful Olympia I). Although I look worried, I was really more surprised— I had just enjoyed a very lovely night, eating soup dumplings in Chinatown and walking home in the rain with my girlfriend. As I beamed up towards the spaceship, it occurred to me just how many dumplings I had eaten, and it struck me that I was sort of a human soup dumpling myself. I couldn’t help but wonder whether this made me more appealing to the extraterrestrials.